I'm gonna hunker down by a roaring fire with a piece of punkin pie
Bourbon in my coffee cup, no teardrops in my eye
My mother-in-law will be here soon with a list of all my flaws
I'm gonna sit here in this easy chair like a drunken Santa Claus
You can't bring me down from my holiday high
These mashed potatoes won't eat themselves
I'll protect myself with pie
I've worked hard all year, and now my dear,
I'll build a calorie cocoon
And I won't come back out again 'til New Years Day at noon
Twas The Night Before Gary
I was sitting at home alone in my trailer
stuffing promo cds into bubble wrap mailers
I was feeling low down so i thought I'd get high
then I opened my window and heard a loud cry
"Hyyya Donner, hyyya Blitzen, hyaa Tanya and Conway
hyyya Reba, hyya Charlie, hyya rose colored Conlee"
Shouting from a sleigh made in the shape of an eagle
I knew that this man would do something illegal
Into my Camaro he rammed that old sleigh
Like he dented all cars that were parked in his way
He staggered out of the sleigh, he smelled like a chimp
With his mask and his flashlight, he was dressed like a pimp
His wireless microphone crackled, his pants were too tight
His butt crack was showing when he lit up a light
He barged into my trailer he broke down the door
He scattered my CDs all over the floor
The stockings he filled with signed guitar picks
and giant stuffed eagles with big eagle dicks
Such a clatter I heard up there on my shelf
where he’d left me a tape and pics of himself
Then he played a song-- called Dirty South
When I reached for a cookie I was punched in the mouth
Then 3 Van Zandt Brothers rode up on their Harleys
With crystal meth, whiskey, and beer made of barley
Old Ronnie Van Zandt shouted out bold
“That Floater cassette is pure country gold”
They had Frankenstein masks strapped onto their face
They pushed me aside, barged into my place
We drank up the whiskey, drank up the beer
They talked about hunting hyenas and deer
They unloaded stockings, rolled it up in some papers
smoked and then ate, all of my nilla wafers
Floater gave me a dooby, that smelled like a skunk
Then he laid on the floor on my trailer drunk
I must have passed out, I fell on my face
Those legends, those assholes, tore up my place
I woke up in a bathtub fully dressed soaking wet
With "a hero never learns" tattooed on my chest
It was dawn and I looked on the wreckage around
Twinkie wrappers and masks, beer cans on the ground
Then the Camaro fired up and an eagle did scream
I thought to myself this is just a bad dream
I ran to the front door, with a tear on my eye
Floater peeled out, flipped me off a goodbye
"Ding a ling ding a ling!", I heard from his mouth
as he flew away with a song of the south
He yelled “remember you all in this season of sweaters
What you think you do well the Floater does better!”
I just wirt the songs the best that I can
sincerely your outlaw, Gary Floaterman
Holiday Gig a Success Thanks to Gary's No-Show
(SAN MARCOS, TEXAS) Due largely to Gary not showing up for his own gig, the Holiday High at Cheatham Street Warehouse was a success. Gary Floater, celebrity, fighter, and singer-songwriter man, was unable to perform or ruin everybody's time, so his buddies covered for him singing mangled fragments of holiday chestnuts and, of course, the songs of Gary Floater.
It was rumored that Gary was unable to attend as he was held by the Missouri State Highway Patrol in an investigation related to the molestation of an endangered migratory bird.
Hardcore fans in festive sweaters and boots mingled, then filled the tables of the venue when NoPayDave's moustache announced that it was time to start the gig already. Dave used a lapdance computer to broadcast the show live on RadioFreeTexas.com.
The river of song began to flow.
The first guest up was Carlos Perkins- an sometime collaborator of Gary's and the writer of "Blue Suede Zapatos." Carlos nailed a version of Gary's drug-addled confession "It's High Time This Old Cowboy Quit Getting So Goldanged High" and then sang Gary's holiday paternity test classic "Whose Child Is This?"
There wasn't a dry seat in the house after Skeet Duggan performed "A Hero Never Learns" and recited the poem and rhymed account of a Christmas miracle, "Twas the Night Before Floater," for the assembled flock of sweaters.
Cornhill Jackson Johnsongrass laid into Gary's ode to ex-wives and barroom hecklers, "You're Not Even Cute, Get Off the Stage," and followed up with that old time, Old Testament crowd-pleaser "The Hand of the Almighty."
Gary's third wife and ex-singing partner Lacy Lakeview appeared for a rendition of "Everyday People (Two Boring Losers in Love)" that brought people back to the days of the Saline County Opry House when Gary and Lacy were on lovemaking terms. Then her version of "Walking in a White White Christmas" knocked everyone back on their holiday asses with yuletide satisfaction.
Floater's roadie and junior high English teacher Waller Tomball performed an emotional recitation of a poem that Gary penned in as a young man titled "Hard Candy Christmas."
B.W. Akins hogged the stage as emcee of the Christmas Ball, and even his ceaseless chatter and complaining could not bring down the assembled from their respective holiday highs. His versions of "The Dirty South" and "That's When the Eagle Screams" lacked the rage of the composer, yet brought out a sappy side that pleased. Covers of "Coach's Song," "Sunburn Lake," and "Pull Over I Want to Eat That" seemed crass and unnecessary.
Throughout the night, producer Flip Dickerson's subtle backing on guitar bore no resemblance to the obtrusive soloing of his pre-lobotomy days.
But the final nail in the coffin of the X-mas Blues came from a terrible person and top notch songwriter in her own right, Anita Feelgood with her recitation of "Grandpa's Promise."
As the show closed, I was deeply moved. To see so much wasted talent in one room was truly stunning.
The gig was a benefit for Hays County Food Bank, and Holiday High attendees donated more than 90 pounds of canned and packaged food as admission to the show.
The donation to the food bank means that some good came out of Gary's music for the first time ever- and that is a Christmas miracle.
Show them you care with A Hero Never Learns T Shirts.
(SAN MARCOS, TEXAS) Due largely to Gary not showing up for his own gig, the Holiday High at Cheatham Street Warehouse was a success. Gary Floater, celebrity, fighter, and singer-songwriter man, was unable to perform or ruin everybody's time, so his buddies covered for him singing mangled fragments of holiday chestnuts and, of course, the songs of Gary Floater.
It was rumored that Gary was unable to attend as he was held by the Missouri State Highway Patrol in an investigation related to the molestation of an endangered migratory bird.
Hardcore fans in festive sweaters and boots mingled, then filled the tables of the venue when NoPayDave's moustache announced that it was time to start the gig already. Dave used a lapdance computer to broadcast the show live on RadioFreeTexas.com.
The river of song began to flow.
The first guest up was Carlos Perkins- an sometime collaborator of Gary's and the writer of "Blue Suede Zapatos." Carlos nailed a version of Gary's drug-addled confession "It's High Time This Old Cowboy Quit Getting So Goldanged High" and then sang Gary's holiday paternity test classic "Whose Child Is This?"
There wasn't a dry seat in the house after Skeet Duggan performed "A Hero Never Learns" and recited the poem and rhymed account of a Christmas miracle, "Twas the Night Before Floater," for the assembled flock of sweaters.
Cornhill Jackson Johnsongrass laid into Gary's ode to ex-wives and barroom hecklers, "You're Not Even Cute, Get Off the Stage," and followed up with that old time, Old Testament crowd-pleaser "The Hand of the Almighty."
Gary's third wife and ex-singing partner Lacy Lakeview appeared for a rendition of "Everyday People (Two Boring Losers in Love)" that brought people back to the days of the Saline County Opry House when Gary and Lacy were on lovemaking terms. Then her version of "Walking in a White White Christmas" knocked everyone back on their holiday asses with yuletide satisfaction.
Floater's roadie and junior high English teacher Waller Tomball performed an emotional recitation of a poem that Gary penned in as a young man titled "Hard Candy Christmas."
B.W. Akins hogged the stage as emcee of the Christmas Ball, and even his ceaseless chatter and complaining could not bring down the assembled from their respective holiday highs. His versions of "The Dirty South" and "That's When the Eagle Screams" lacked the rage of the composer, yet brought out a sappy side that pleased. Covers of "Coach's Song," "Sunburn Lake," and "Pull Over I Want to Eat That" seemed crass and unnecessary.
Throughout the night, producer Flip Dickerson's subtle backing on guitar bore no resemblance to the obtrusive soloing of his pre-lobotomy days.
But the final nail in the coffin of the X-mas Blues came from a terrible person and top notch songwriter in her own right, Anita Feelgood with her recitation of "Grandpa's Promise."
As the show closed, I was deeply moved. To see so much wasted talent in one room was truly stunning.
The gig was a benefit for Hays County Food Bank, and Holiday High attendees donated more than 90 pounds of canned and packaged food as admission to the show.
The donation to the food bank means that some good came out of Gary's music for the first time ever- and that is a Christmas miracle.
Photos by Brad Burns, Texas Outlaw Video
