12/17/2011
12/16/2011
You Can't Bring Me Down from My Holiday High
I'm gonna hunker down by a roaring fire with a piece of punkin pie
Bourbon in my coffee cup, no teardrops in my eye
My mother-in-law will be here soon with a list of all my flaws
I'm gonna sit here in this easy chair like a drunken Santa Claus
You can't bring me down from my holiday high
These mashed potatoes won't eat themselves
I'll protect myself with pie
I've worked hard all year, and now my dear,
I'll build a calorie cocoon
And I won't come back out again 'til New Years Day at noon
11/11/2011
11/10/2011
Poet In My Window
Nanci was definitely pissed off about being upstaged by Gary on her own album cover
'Twas The Night Before Gary
Twas The Night Before Gary
I was sitting at home alone in my trailer
stuffing promo cds into bubble wrap mailers
I was feeling low down so i thought I'd get high
then I opened my window and heard a loud cry
"Hyyya Donner, hyyya Blitzen, hyaa Tanya and Conway
hyyya Reba, hyya Charlie, hyya rose colored Conlee"
Shouting from a sleigh made in the shape of an eagle
I knew that this man would do something illegal
Into my Camaro he rammed that old sleigh
Like he dented all cars that were parked in his way
He staggered out of the sleigh, he smelled like a chimp
With his mask and his flashlight, he was dressed like a pimp
His wireless microphone crackled, his pants were too tight
His butt crack was showing when he lit up a light
He barged into my trailer he broke down the door
He scattered my CDs all over the floor
The stockings he filled with signed guitar picks
and giant stuffed eagles with big eagle dicks
Such a clatter I heard up there on my shelf
where he’d left me a tape and pics of himself
Then he played a song-- called Dirty South
When I reached for a cookie I was punched in the mouth
Then 3 Van Zandt Brothers rode up on their Harleys
With crystal meth, whiskey, and beer made of barley
Old Ronnie Van Zandt shouted out bold
“That Floater cassette is pure country gold”
They had Frankenstein masks strapped onto their face
They pushed me aside, barged into my place
We drank up the whiskey, drank up the beer
They talked about hunting hyenas and deer
They unloaded stockings, rolled it up in some papers
smoked and then ate, all of my nilla wafers
Floater gave me a dooby, that smelled like a skunk
Then he laid on the floor on my trailer drunk
I must have passed out, I fell on my face
Those legends, those assholes, tore up my place
I woke up in a bathtub fully dressed soaking wet
With "a hero never learns" tattooed on my chest
It was dawn and I looked on the wreckage around
Twinkie wrappers and masks, beer cans on the ground
Then the Camaro fired up and an eagle did scream
I thought to myself this is just a bad dream
I ran to the front door, with a tear on my eye
Floater peeled out, flipped me off a goodbye
"Ding a ling ding a ling!", I heard from his mouth
as he flew away with a song of the south
He yelled “remember you all in this season of sweaters
What you think you do well the Floater does better!”
I just wirt the songs the best that I can
sincerely your outlaw, Gary Floaterman
10/05/2011
Gary's Pro Road Tips: Advice for The Long Haul
A message from Gary:
"there not just for babies and astronauts anymore. im talking about diapers.
professional celebrities like myslef are too busy to bother with many of life's boring little details. Dont sweat the small stuff- try wearing a diaper on your next long car trip."
And before you go, rescue one of these from the truckstop bargain bin!
(Floater Rising - The Gary Floater Tribute Album Sequel is $4.99 through October)
07/03/2011
06/22/2011
I lost my virginity, drunk on a camping trip, to a bear
i didn't see him again until years later- i passed him on the street as he was leaving a crowded theater in Anaheim.
i went to the first record store i could find and bought his album.
a gypsy soul- he sure could sing
06/13/2011
Waffle House
i take my hashbrowns smothered, ignored humiliated embarrased and abused
