Twas The Night Before Gary
I was sitting at home alone in my trailer
stuffing promo cds into bubble wrap mailers
I was feeling low down so i thought I'd get high
then I opened my window and heard a loud cry
"Hyyya Donner, hyyya Blitzen, hyaa Tanya and Conway
hyyya Reba, hyya Charlie, hyya rose colored Conlee"
Shouting from a sleigh made in the shape of an eagle
I knew that this man would do something illegal
Into my Camaro he rammed that old sleigh
Like he dented all cars that were parked in his way
He staggered out of the sleigh, he smelled like a chimp
With his mask and his flashlight, he was dressed like a pimp
His wireless microphone crackled, his pants were too tight
His butt crack was showing when he lit up a light
He barged into my trailer he broke down the door
He scattered my CDs all over the floor
The stockings he filled with signed guitar picks
and giant stuffed eagles with big eagle dicks
Such a clatter I heard up there on my shelf
where he’d left me a tape and pics of himself
Then he played a song-- called Dirty South
When I reached for a cookie I was punched in the mouth
Then 3 Van Zandt Brothers rode up on their Harleys
With crystal meth, whiskey, and beer made of barley
Old Ronnie Van Zandt shouted out bold
“That Floater cassette is pure country gold”
They had Frankenstein masks strapped onto their face
They pushed me aside, barged into my place
We drank up the whiskey, drank up the beer
They talked about hunting hyenas and deer
They unloaded stockings, rolled it up in some papers
smoked and then ate, all of my nilla wafers
Floater gave me a dooby, that smelled like a skunk
Then he laid on the floor on my trailer drunk
I must have passed out, I fell on my face
Those legends, those assholes, tore up my place
I woke up in a bathtub fully dressed soaking wet
With "a hero never learns" tattooed on my chest
It was dawn and I looked on the wreckage around
Twinkie wrappers and masks, beer cans on the ground
Then the Camaro fired up and an eagle did scream
I thought to myself this is just a bad dream
I ran to the front door, with a tear on my eye
Floater peeled out, flipped me off a goodbye
"Ding a ling ding a ling!", I heard from his mouth
as he flew away with a song of the south
He yelled “remember you all in this season of sweaters
What you think you do well the Floater does better!”
I just wirt the songs the best that I can
sincerely your outlaw, Gary Floaterman